Four years ago, I sat in the same patio chair as today. Both times, I stared at the same trees and lake below the same sky. Time passed but grief continues.
After Alan passed in the wee hours of the morning, a sense of shock wrapped me in a cloak of protection. Often in a daze, I made plans, talked with people and tried to continue normally. But my normal died the day Alan did. From the roots of my old life, a new one slowly emerged.
As memories swirled in my head, thick gray clouds disappeared and revealed a bright blue sky painted with puffs of white. Beneath bare cypress trees, green ornamental grasses glistened with dew. A border of brown grass along the lake highlighted the vibrant lawns.
A flock of turkeys pecked at dead grass beside my patio. In the peacefulness and beauty of the lakeside vista, life and death existed together in God’s creation.
On the anniversary of Alan’s death, I grieved. Sadness at losing him too soon. Loneliness in not having him to talk and laugh with me. Tears trickled. Fresh pain and grief at one more milestone.
But happy memories joined the grief. They reminded me of the good times and how God brought us together at a dance. Traveling around the world to every continent. Ministering on six of them.
At home being with family and friends. Attending church together. Watching TV and eating popcorn. Hundreds of special times that didn’t seem so special at the time but now I realize they were.
He grew from a man who didn’t pray in front of anyone when I met him to someone who boldly spoke of his faith. As his disease progressed and his time drew short, he constantly shared his faith and visions of Jesus with anyone who came to our home. No longer shy, he ministered to those around him. His faith, joy and peace helped me endure the pain of losing him.
His final gift to me were his last words. “Don’t be afraid or discouraged. The Lord your God is with you always. I love you.”
Over and over the words of Joshua 1:9 have comforted me and given me words to help others.
Because of the deaths of Alan, Mother and Dad, I wrote my book on grief to comfort and encourage others who are in pain. When writing seemed too difficult, I remembered his encouragement to me.
Their deaths propelled me into a ministry of grief. I never planned to have that mission but God knew. People keep coming into my life who need someone who understands. The opportunities pop up at church, my clubhouse, at Sam’s Club, in the parking lot, from friends... God guides me and supplies the strength, words and peace to comfort those who mourn.
Just as God places people in my life who need my help, He also gives me people to offer comfort when I am down.
Last night, sadness and tears hit me when I returned home from a trip to see family. Then the doorbell rang. Before opening the door, my hand swished tears away. My smiling friend, Cherrie, stood before me with hands full of gorgeous roses. Even with her own trials and trips to the hospital to visit her mom, she remembered my loss. At just the right moment, she appeared to lessen my pain.
While we watched four deer bound along the shoreline, she said, “God brought four deer for Alan’s fourth anniversary.”
In over four years, I have seen deer many times but never more than three.
I limped through the morning today with bouts of tears but messages from my son, daughter-in-law, cousin and friends let me know they didn’t forget and were praying. Again, God supplied just what I needed at the right time.
As year five begins, God continues to bless me and guide me. My old normal is gone but a new one awaits.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NIV)
Heavenly Father, whether I am laughing or crying, you are with me to offer peace, joy and strength. Thank you for never leaving me. Amen
