Trails of memories flowed from my eyes. For the third day, gray clouds blocked the sun. Perhaps the dreariness sparked the tears.
Our first Christmas without my dad was six years ago. Not only was there an empty chair at the table, but I knew unless a miracle occurred, it was the last Christmas with Alan and mother. As I looked at the dismal scene around me, memories of that year played in my mind.
After the Christmas Eve service that year, we joined Chris, Anne, and the girls at Anne’s mom’s house for dinner which was delicious and enjoyable. However, Alan had trouble breathing a short time later. We had to leave early so he could get home and rest.
The following morning we left at dawn for Chris and Anne’s home to watch our granddaughters open gifts. We had fun seeing their excitement. Alan felt good and seemed his old self as we celebrated and ate a yummy brunch.
Later, we packed up and all went to my brother Ken’s home for dinner with his family. Mother lived with Ken and Kim and had a full time caregiver. With our extended family together, we noticed the empty seat but tried to make the day joyful.
Mother was able to sit in her wheelchair and join us for the meal. Alan ate his normal plates of scrumptious food which amazed us both. Side effects from medications altered his sense of taste so he hadn’t been eating much for a while.
Not only did he eat and enjoy the food, he went for hours without the constraints of his oxygen tank. With no tubes, Molly got close to him again. At her young age, the strange contraption frightened her. He played with all of the girls.
Even in our grief, we all savored the joy of the day. I kept pushing the unwelcome thoughts from my mind and tried to concentrate on what I had at the moment. Miraculously, Alan and mother both had strength for the day. Alan went for the entire day without the oxygen tank.
Two and a half weeks later, Alan passed away. On Good Friday, mother passed away. How thankful I was for that last Christmas with them.
I don’t know why grief ambushed me today. Tears continue to flow. I miss my loved ones terribly but am so thankful for those who remain.
Perhaps my grief is intensified by the sadness of so many that I know who are also grieving. Many face their first Christmas without a loved one. My own grief has made my heart break for others. I know the pain and what they are experiencing.
In the midst of grief, Jesus came for us. He comforts us and holds us tightly.
Hold your loved ones closely. Treasure each moment and remember those who have left us.
Merry Christmas.
