Unfocused and Jumbled

As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice. Psalm 55: 16-17 NIV

Dirt clung to my fingers. It was almost impossible to pick up black, bok choy seeds from little cups. Two other co-op members joined me in trying to plant the elusive, teeny dots. My early morning chore would help to fulfill the sixteen hours required for the growing season. 

Four containers of soil were attached to each tall pole that lined the garden. Only by standing on my tiptoes, could I see into the top tier. 

A seed was to go into every corner of the hanging pots. I circled making small indentations, dropping seeds, and replacing the dirt. Only one seed was to be put into each hole. 

My mind wandered. Did I get each corner? Had I remembered every pot? I tried to focus. I tried different, rather scattered, methods.  After several attempts, I had a routine. Make all the indentations. Drop a seed and cover it right away. It worked. By the time I figured it out, over half of my row was finished.

During my grief, much of my life has been unfocused and scattered. Some days my mind functions clearly. Then I feel completely jumbled. 

Don’t  make any important decisions for a year. That made sense to me. Would I even be ready then?  

As I dealt with my parents’ finances, before and after their deaths, along with Alan’s estate, I was often overwhelmed. Added to all of that was keeping up with my own affairs of running a household. 

There were days I was drowning. I could barely lift my head to take a gulp of air. Over time, I learned to float or even paddle a bit. Then another wave would hit. I felt myself slammed to the bottom again. But the struggle to reach the top lessened in intensity and duration. 

With eyes closed and uncertain of the path to safety, arms surrounded me and lifted me to the top. Over and over family members, friends, and even kind strangers have made my journey easier. 

Father, thank you for staying with me and providing unending help as I struggle to rise above the waves. Amen