Even in the Fog

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him and He delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:7-9 NIV)

Blackness beyond my patio kept me focused on reading the Bible and my devotionals. Scriptures of hope, trust and love helped me pray for a variety of hurts and needs.

Custody issues with friends’ grandchildren

Death of a friend’s sister only months after the death of her son

A widow friend’s health issues and extreme pain

My older granddaughter’s hospital stay and continuing illness

Heartbreak of placing an aging parent in assisted living for a cousin and friend

A friend’s son in rehab

A friend’s back pain from an auto accident 

Death of my parents’ long time friend

A friend’s constant caregiving for a parent and sibling

Group of friends dealing with the death of a spouse ...

The list went on and on. Their hurts became my own. 

Anticipation of another glorious sunrise halted with the rising sun. Instead of a clear sky, a shroud of gray wrapped the lake. Only a touch of green grass by my patio and a lone oak tree could be seen clearly. 

Everything else beyond my lanai was hidden in a haze. One day earlier a marvelous pink sunrise glowed in the sky and reflected on the lake. Green pine trees stood as sentinels on the shore. A flock of turkeys waddled across my lawn. A chorus of bird melodies blocked the highway noise. Fog obscured the beauty as I searched for a break in the clouds.

However, I still rejoiced at God’s marvelous creation. Not because I could see it but because I remembered. The early morning fog reminded me that I don’t always see Him in overwhelming circumstances even though He is there. He doesn’t always remove obstacles but holds us closely as we walk through them. I trust and hope because He has been faithful.

Father, thank you for being patient when I become discouraged and don’t see you. Help me remember to notice you in all situations. Amen

Winter Will End

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy and with my song, I praise him. Psalm 28:7 NIV

Bare limbs pointed upward into the pink tinged dawn sky. Tiny birds flitted from branch to branch. Dim light concealed their coloring. Small flocks gathered and then flew from one cypress tree to another. Bird songs added to the serenity. 

Movement across the lake caught my attention. Almost camouflaged, a deer tiptoed along the shore and disappeared into the woods. 

Bellowing male turkeys broke the silence but never came into sight. 

Raindrops soundlessly peppered the lake. Brown, freeze damaged grass soaked up the welcomed water. 

Small patches of sunlight pierced the clouds. Even in the dreariness of the morning, there was a sense of peace and beauty.

Cheerful birds greeted the dawn with songs. Tiny bits of green grass poked through the brown lawn. A deer and flocks of birds visited. The rain ceased and the sun rose to brighten the day. 

This dark season of winter will end and brilliant spring will return. Likewise, even in the dark times, there is a sense of hope and joy for the future. 

Father, thank you for glimpses of You even in our dark seasons. Show us joy and peace. Amen

Four Years Ago, Same Time and Place

Four years ago, I sat in the same patio chair as today. Both times, I stared at the same trees and lake below the same sky. Time passed but grief continues. 

After Alan passed in the wee hours of the morning, a sense of shock wrapped me in a cloak of protection. Often in a daze, I made plans, talked with people and tried to continue normally. But my normal died the day Alan did. From the roots of my old life, a new one slowly emerged.

As memories swirled in my head, thick gray clouds disappeared and revealed a bright blue sky painted with puffs of white. Beneath bare cypress trees, green ornamental grasses glistened with dew. A border of brown grass along the lake highlighted the vibrant lawns. 

A flock of turkeys pecked at dead grass beside my patio. In the peacefulness and beauty of the lakeside vista, life and death existed together in God’s creation. 

On the anniversary of Alan’s death, I grieved. Sadness at losing him too soon. Loneliness in not having him to talk and laugh with me. Tears trickled. Fresh pain and grief at one more milestone. 

But happy memories joined the grief. They reminded me of the good times and how God brought us together at a dance. Traveling around the world to every continent. Ministering on six of them. 

At home being with family and friends. Attending church together. Watching TV and eating popcorn. Hundreds of special times that didn’t seem so special at the time but now I realize they were.  

He grew from a man who didn’t pray in front of anyone when I met him to someone who boldly spoke of his faith. As his disease progressed and his time drew short, he constantly shared his faith and visions of Jesus with anyone who came to our home. No longer shy, he ministered to those around him. His faith, joy and peace helped me endure the pain of losing him. 

His final gift to me were his last words. “Don’t be afraid or discouraged. The Lord your God is with you always. I love you.” 

Over and over the words of Joshua 1:9 have comforted me and given me words to help others. 

Because of the deaths of Alan, Mother and Dad, I wrote my book on grief to comfort and encourage others who are in pain. When writing seemed too difficult, I remembered his encouragement to me. 

Their deaths propelled me into a ministry of grief. I never planned to have that mission but God knew. People keep coming into my life who need someone who understands. The opportunities pop up at church, my clubhouse, at Sam’s Club, in the parking lot, from friends... God guides me and supplies the strength, words and peace to comfort those who mourn. 

Just as God places people in my life who need my help, He also gives me people to offer comfort when I am down.

Last night, sadness and tears hit me when I returned home from a trip to see family. Then the doorbell rang. Before opening the door, my hand swished tears away. My smiling friend, Cherrie, stood before me with hands full of gorgeous roses. Even with her own trials and trips to the hospital to visit her mom, she remembered my loss. At just the right moment, she appeared to lessen my pain. 

While we watched four deer bound along the shoreline, she said, “God brought four deer for Alan’s fourth anniversary.”

In over four years, I have seen deer many times but never more than three. 

I limped through the morning today with bouts of tears but messages from my son, daughter-in-law, cousin and friends let me know they didn’t forget and were praying. Again, God supplied just what I needed at the right time. 

As year five begins, God continues to bless me and guide me. My old normal is gone but a new one awaits. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NIV)

Heavenly Father, whether I am laughing or crying, you are with me to offer peace, joy and strength. Thank you for never leaving me. Amen

Remembering the Sunshine

... I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances. I know how to survive in tight situations, and I know how to enjoy having plenty. In fact, I have learned to face any circumstances: fed or hungry, with or without. I can be content in any and every situation through the Anointed One who is my power and strength. (Philippians 4: 11-13 The Voice)

A third day of gloom. The sun hidden by a thick coat of clouds. In many areas of the world, that wouldn’t be unusual but for the Sunshine State, it was almost unheard of.

My cold fingers gripped the pen as I wrote. The chill penetrated my long, fuzzy robe. I shivered.

A flock of crows bellowed and squawked. Their sudden appearance added to the gloom and disturbed my serenity. 

Turkey squalls echoed from one side of the lake to another. Nine females paraded across my yard. Two stopped. They turned and stared at me. We looked into each others’ eyes before they hurried to catch up with the others. A straggler rounded the corner of my house long after the group left. 

Once colorful cypress trees formed a ring of forlorn sentinels around the lake. Even green pines, without their sparkle, appeared downcast. Only blurry images reflected on the dark water. 

Nothing about the morning gave even a hint of brightness or hope. Dreariness and despair saturated everything. 

But when I took my thoughts from what was missing and examimed my surroundings, tiny white blooms wiggled in cold breezes. A few orange blossoms remained on brown spiral stems. Faint bird melodies drifted through the air. Patches of green grass remained.

A gorgeous sunrise, glittering lake, and cheerful plants were a memory etched in my mind. The morning scene before me was quite different. Not what I desired but what I had been given. However, as I remembered the beauty of my lakeside retreat, I knew the gloom would disappear and the sun again shine brightly.

Circumstances in my life often were quite different from what I hoped for. In my pain and grief, Jesus holds me tightly and provides others to support and love me. No matter what lies ahead, I am not alone. In all circumstances, I am learning to be content and see how each situation can be used for good.

Heavenly Father, thank you for all I have been given. Keep me focused on you in all my circumstances. Amen

Following God's Instructions

Being jostled by a donkey for days would have been difficult without being pregnant. Mary’s back ached. She longed to lie down and sleep. Tiny Bethlehem loomed ahead. A respite.

Joseph searched and searched for a room. He returned from each inn with bad news. Every room in the small village was taken because of the flood of travelers for the census. Other weary visitors lined the streets. All looking for a refuge. 

Desperate to get Mary settled for the night, Joseph reluctantly accepted the offer of a spot with animals in a smelly hillside cave. 

Joseph remembered clearly the visit by Gabriel telling him to be not afraid to take Mary as his wife even though she was pregnant. She carried a son conceived by the Holy Spirit. Joseph obeyed but didn’t fully understand the incredible proclamation. 

If God planned it, why wasn’t a proper room provided for them? Why would God allow such hardships for the frazzled couple? 

Knife life pains stabbed Mary as she climbed down from the donkey. With each deep breath, putrid odors from the animals assaulted her. This wasn’t what she imagined.

Months earlier, Mary’s own visit from Gabriel troubled her as he told her that she would give birth to the Son of the Most High. The words shocked her but he said to not be afraid. After asking questions, she joyfully accepted  the path set for her. Like Joseph, the full impact wasn’t understood.

But wouldn’t God want a clean, warm room for His son? Why did they have to endure the long journey and then have no place to stay? 

Intense pain swept the questions away. She concentrated on immediate concerns. Though stinky, the dark cave offered warmth and protection from the cool night. A refuge from the crowds. The young couple made the best of what they had been given. God provided but not in the way they imagined.

In the midst of a seemingly horrible situation, Jesus entered the world. Mary wrapped him in cloths and laid him in the manger. The young couple stared at the miracle before them. Their eyes met. Joy radiated from their faces. Each one remembered Gabriel’s words with the promises of God.

Within a few months, they moved from being teenagers in an obscure village to a world famous couple given the responsibility of raising the Son of God.  Their lofty responsibility wasn’t without unimaginable hardships. God didn’t take away trials but seemed to keep adding more and more.

However, the couple faithfully followed God’s guidance. They welcomed unusual visitors to see the blessed babe. They escaped to Egypt when Herod killed baby boys in Bethlehem. Years later, they returned to their home village of Nazareth where they faced question after question. But they remained obedient despite all of the pain and trials.

God knew the plan for Jesus’ birth and didn’t prevent the obstacles. If he didn’t make life easy for them, why would I think he would take away all of my difficulties? However, in the midst of it all, He remains near giving peace, strength and comfort. 

Read Matthew 1 and 2.  Luke 1 and 2

Lord, help me be obedient even when I don’t understand. Like Mary and Joseph, give me peace, strength, and assurances to follow your guidance. Amen

A Short But Eventful Night

Too much time on the computer for gifts made me push aside my evening reading. Then to get in a few chapters of an enticing book, I read later than normal. The time surprised me. Much later than I normally dropped into bed.

Red numbers clicked away. Instead of quickly falling asleep, I tossed and turned. Even when I get to bed late, my weary body wakes up early. I had to get to sleep.

At 1:30 am Westminster chimes echoed into the serenity of my sleep. like an organ in an empty cathedral. Startled awake, I tried to figure out what was going on. The chimes started, stopped, repeated part of it and started again. 

The sounds seemed to be coming outside my bedroom door where the smoke alarm was located. One night it blared at me “Get out! Fire!” At least the chimes didn’t jar me quite as much.

After chiming loudly for five minutes, silence returned. I breathed a sign of relief. Then the commotion returned. My fuzzy mind realized it was the addition I had gotten for my doorbell so I could hear when someone rang it. The tiny ding was too soft for my aging ears.

For months, the chimes refused to work even though I changed the batteries. However, I kept it plugged in hoping it would magically work again. Not in the middle of the night though.

While the repeating chimes continued, I shuffled to the living room to unplug the offender. Quiet returned.

My heart continued to race because of the episode. My nose clogged so breathing was a little difficult. Suddenly, my nose began to run. My tired body just couldn’t get up in time to get a tissue. No one would know that I wiped my nose on my long sleeve. Our Founding Fathers had lace on their cuffs to disguise that they did the same thing. 

Sometime while it was still dark, I fell asleep. By 5:30, I was fully awake but not ready to get up. After trying and trying to get back to sleep, I gave up. Perhaps I would take a nap if I needed to.

Only after a cup of tea and somewhat clear mind, did I wonder if someone rang my doorbell in the middle of the night. Maybe that started the bizarre chiming. While I tried to absorb that uneasy thought, my eyes caught sight of a strange color on my pajamas. 

Stripes of dried blood swept across my gray sleeve. Instead of a runny nose, blood had been flowing. Why would I have had a bloody nose in the middle of the night?

Did someone ring my bell which started the chimes? Then they hurried inside, hit me in the nose and ran away when the chimes continued and woke me up. The chimes tried to alarm me that something was wrong. As I lay in bed trying to decide what to do, they made their escape. 

Of course, that didn’t happen but I hope it gave you a little humor in the midst of a busy holiday season. I still don’t understand why the chimes started or my nose bled. I did take a short nap and the chimes didn’t start today until about 5:45 am. The device is permanently unplugged. Time for a new doorbell.

 

Grief in the Celebrating

Christmas trees glowed. Sugar cookies enticed guests to eat. Festive decorations glittered.

At the annual Christmas gathering, residents of my community arrived to sing traditional holiday songs. Friends at one table moved chairs so I could join them along with another lady who came alone. 

As I talked with my new friend, we discovered both of our husbands died of the same disease-ideopathic pulmonary fibrosis. Alan almost four years ago and her husband last April. 

“You are still going through firsts,” I said.

She nodded. I knew the fresh pain. My good friend, Bill, died of the same disease that day. I dealt with the grief of losing another friend but  knowing he no longer suffered. Grief from Alan’s death intensified after dealing with Bill’s death and hearing of her month’s old widowhood. 

When the piano began playing, I pushed aside thoughts of death and concentrated on singing. Most friends at our table belonged to our neighborhood singing group. We sang, harmonized and enjoyed each song both serious and lighthearted.

But as I looked ahead to the next song, my chest tightened. Would I be able to sing it? That song brought tears every year at the candlelight Christmas Eve service. Memories came of so many years when Christmas wasn’t happy.

I sang the first couple of lines easily. Then I struggled to hold in the grief. My throat closed. No words would come. Tears trickled. Maybe no one would notice. Like an ostrich, I averted my eyes. 

From the corner of my eye, I noticed someone get up. A friend moved around the table and embraced me in a hug. Tears flowed. I tried to speak but could hardly get out my words. 

“My friend died today.”

She held me again. Then she returned to her seat.

Tears continued during the rest of the song. But my heart rejoiced at her spontaneous compassion at just the right moment, She didn’t eliminate my festering grief but added a bit of healing salve. 

The recent widow handed me a napkin for my tears. I noticed her tears too and patted her arm. 

“Why did they let us be together?” she asked.

We laughed. With the brief spell of grief partially broken, we both enjoyed the rest of the singing. However, I couldn’t focus on words of many songs which were too painful.

“The Happiest Time of the Year” isn’t for many people. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” doesn’t happen in lots of families. There is no one to kiss under the mistletoe.

I want to focus on Jesus and the real meaning of Christmas. To help others who are also lonely and sad. Grief doesn’t take a holiday. Whether years ago or only weeks, it ambushes and tries to steal happiness. However, the true joy and peace of the season won’t be extinguished.