Mysterious Gifts

Philippians 4: 19 And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (The Voice)

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations for ever and ever. (NIV)

White roses. Pink tulips. White and pink daisies. Alan’s wishes were coming true. 

A list of errands and duties stayed near Alan as he prepared for his death. Notify insurance company. Change names on accounts. New car and bike for me. Make sure I knew where all important papers were kept. Fresh flowers in the house. 

Though we talked about the flowers frequently and looked at some, none were bought. 

After his death, lovely flowers decorated our home. I remembered his desire so ordered a bouquet for myself when I sent some to my mother on Valentine’s Day. I scanned the calendar and picked Good Friday.

Over two months later, we made arrangements for my mom’s funeral. The long drive home alone and her death intensified my grief for Alan and dad. Losing her on Good Friday hardly seemed good at the time. 

When I walked to the front door, I noticed a green box. 

Carefully, I unpacked the delicate blooms. Red, pink, and white roses went into the vase. They smiled at me from my dining room table. God knew the perfect day for me to receive the flowers. Good Friday and the day of my mom’s death. 

As I gathered the wrappings and prepared to take them to the trash, I noticed a white card which said, “A special note for you.”

It must be blank. I sent them to myself. I opened the envelope. The words stopped my heart. I stared. Stunned.

“Enjoy the day. Alan”

He had never sent me flowers from that internet company. I had given them name, address etc. but didn’t remember writing anything more. 

Two spectacular gifts in one day. Flowers the day mother died to lighten my grief. A note reminding me that Alan continues to watch out for me. God orchestrated both miracles.

Heavenly Father, you perform miracles for your people. Thank you for knowing just what I need. Amen

Good Friday???

Philippians 4: 19-20  Know this: my God will also fill every need you have according to His glorious riches in Jesus the Anointed, our Liberating King. So may our God and Father be glorified forever and ever. Amen  (The Voice)

As a child, Good Friday puzzled me. Why was it called “good” when Jesus died? Over time, I learned He had to die to be resurrected. He paid for our sins on the cross and then rose to go to heaven.

How could mother’s death on Good Friday be good? I missed her terribly. No longer could we chat or eat her delicious foods. A lifetime of memories jammed my mind. Selfishly I clung to her as I remembered when she lived vibrantly. 

Reality reminded me that her normal life ended years ago. Disease robbed her of strength and energy. Gradually, she declined and was forced to give up favorite activities. For over a year, she lived in other people’s rooms and slept in unfamiliar beds. She longed for her past life at home with my dad.

We faced a new normal. Not of our choosing. 

After her passing on Good Friday, I looked to Easter. A glorious time with a new body and new home for her. 

My new normal continues to evolve. Three important people have been removed this year. I loved my old life with Alan, mom, and dad but know I have to push toward the future. I am so thankful to be loved and cared for by family and friends. Each one helps heal my heart.

Father, thank you for your plan even when it doesn’t make sense to me. Amen

Memories of My Mom

1 Timothy 2: 10  from The Voice  As is fitting, let good works decorate your true beauty and show that you are a woman who claims reverence for God. 

When I read that Scripture a couple of days ago, I thought it represented mother. She served others quietly and didn’t need to be in the spotlight, but her beauty showed brightly. 

She worked hard at home when I was small. My dad’s teaching salary was miniscule--$2,000 his first year. She stretched the money by having a garden, canning fruits and vegetables, hanging clothes on the line, and sewing clothes. Most of hers and mine were homemade. 

One summer I had an array of tops and shorts which matched my friend’s. Our mothers fashioned our summer attire from feed sacks. Colorful but still feed sacks. I loved them and wore them every day. 

Besides taking care of her family, she also helped friends and family often with her delicious dishes. She loved entertaining and held many holiday dinners at our house. If you went to her home, she would feed you. 

Volunteering was a part of her life. Each time we moved, she became a part of the new church and joined in the activities. 

For years, she worked in the gift shop at the St. Cloud Hospital as a pink lady. Dad joined her as a pink man. 

The church Thriftee Center became her second home as she faithfully organized and worked there. 

A blind lady in the nursing home received visits from mother for many years. My mom read to her and wrote letters for her until she could no longer dictate. 

When her health forced her to cut back at the hospital and then the Thriftee Center, she grieved not being able to help any longer. Leukemia slowed her down but didn’t stop her until the very end. 

She loved being with her family. Grandchildren and great grandchildren gave her joy. From family cruises to family dinners and ballgames, she participated until her body would no longer cooperate. 

Her sense of humor remained even as she was weak and confined to bed. After a recent visit from an Indiana cousin, she said, “ I am ready to go.”

“Go where?” I asked.

“To Indiana with Dick and Janice.”

I mouthed to the caregiver, “She was ok a few minutes ago.” Thinking she was extremely confused.

Then mother smiled. “I was just kidding.”

Even the last week when her body was shutting down, she was thinking of me.

“What do you want for dinner?” she asked.

“I will get something.” I told her.

“I’ll get up and fix it.”

It was hard reminding her that she could no longer do that. She was willing but her body wasn’t.

For 88 1/2 years, she served. In spite of her afflictions, she was strong. Even in her weakness, we were amazed at how strong she was after dad’s death. After almost 68 years of marriage, they are reunited. 

How fitting she left us on Good Friday to celebrate Easter in heaven. 

The Easter lilies symbolize the three lives, dad, Alan, and mother, taken from us this year who are now rejoicing in heaven. 

John 14: 1-4  (The Voice) Jesus: Don’t get lost in despair; believe in God, and keep on believing in Me. My Father’s home is designed to accommodate all of  you. If there were not room for everyone, I would have told you that. I am going to make arrangements for your arrival. I will be there to greet you personally and welcome you home where we will be together. 

Easter Crosses

“I tell you the truth, a time is approaching when you will weep and mourn while the world is celebrating. You will grieve, but that grief will give birth to great joy.” 

John 16: 20 The Voice

No longer could I watch crosses form on the trees. For eight years, at our home in Lake Forest, brown crosses appeared on our pine trees every spring. Each year near Easter, new growth at the end of the boughs produced amazing crosses.  

At our new home, cypress trees line the bank near the patio but no pines. I miss watching the crosses form and reach toward heaven. I also miss the mallards, white ducks, egrets, herons, and turtles.

Besides moving this year, death brought more losses. First my dad last May and my husband Alan in January. Mother’s lingering illness and impending death magnifies my grief. All had been strong supporters for me.

Recently, tears come more often. Sadness stays longer. Grief holds tighter.

The gospel accounts of Jesus’ last night with his disciples and His betrayal showed his sadness. As he spent time with His followers, he knew what was coming. 

In the Garden of Gethsemane, He said, “My soul is overwhelmed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” He walked a little farther and finally fell prostrate and prayed.  “Father, this is the last thing I want. If there is any way, please take this bitter cup from me. Not my will, but Yours be done.” Matthew 26: 38.

The Scriptures make me think of my own grief. I feel comfort knowing that Jesus grieved too. He felt pain but was obedient. He knew there would be suffering but after that joy. His home was not here but in heaven. 

Though my grief is consuming and heartbreaking at times, His example gives me encouragement and hope for the future.

In the fading light, I aim my binoculars on the pine trees across the lake. Excitement fills me. I see crosses pointing skyward. They were there all the time, but I had to look hard to find them. 

From my new patio, I have seen turkeys parade through my yard, two alligators coming to visit the lake, a flock of cormorants, wood storks, and resident cardinals. Though different from my previous home, the landscape and wildlife offer a new outlook.

Life will never be the same. My journey through grief requires me to search for moments of joy and embrace the changes. I will continue to miss what I have lost, but know God constantly provides for me.

The Easter crosses remind me of new life. Step by step I will venture down my new path. 

Father, lead me as I follow a new path. Help me find joy in the journey. Amen

Another Difficult Day

Young women will dance for joy: young men will join them, old ones too. For I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort My people and replace their sorrow with gladness. Jeremiah 31: 13 The Voice

And finally He said to me, “My grace is enough to cover and sustain you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” 

2 Corinthians 12: 9 The Voice

As I read my morning devotionals, those verses stood out and gave me comfort. 

With over a year of turmoil and grief, I often wonder if there is an end. Will I be able to handle it? What next? 

Then I read just the right verse. I recall countless times when I was given comfort and strength. Prayers from around the world have covered me. Love has held me up.

Today I need extra doses of it all. Last night Hospice began twenty-four hour crisis care for mother to manage her pain and make her final time more comfortable.

For years she endured leukemia and various other health issues with little complaining. For over a year, her world shrunk to a hospital bed, wheelchair, and limited mobility. Her body is wearing out and she is ready to go.

I long for her to escape the pain. But her leaving intensifies my other recent losses. Losing both parents makes me an orphan. 

As mother lay near death months ago, I listened and comforted my dad as we grieved. When he died, Alan listened and comforted me as I cried. 

When Alan faced death, I listened and comforted him as he endured a limited lifestyle. The way he was joyful in dying was a gift but couldn’t take away my sadness. He said, “ I don’t know why you have had so much pain, but God has a plan.”

Today I cry alone. Three of my biggest supporters can no longer comfort me or listen when I grieve. 

What is God’s plan? Will normal return? 

Then I remember. Years without major struggles. Happy times. Even in pain and grief, blessings appear. Family, friends, and even strangers lift me up. God provides what I need.

On the news I see people struggling to survive and facing horrendous situations. Compared to them, my losses seem minor. I am not alone in grieving. 

I am so thankful for the hundreds of prayers from around the world, hugs, and endless acts of kindness. Each one gives me strength, hope, and encouragement as I travel this difficult road.

Numerous verses come to mind such as “We are comforted so we can comfort others.” I pray that I can reach out to help others in their pain and grief.

Alan’s final words to me from Joshua 1: 9 constantly uphold me. I see him looking in my eyes and saying, “Do not be afraid or discouraged. The Lord your God is with you always. I love you.” 

Three hours later, he was gone. But what a legacy he left for me.

My Best Encourager Gone

Lamentations 3: 26, 32  It is good to wait quietly for the Eternal to make things right again... Though the Lord brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. 

“I don’t know how you do it. That will touch a lot of people,” Alan often told me after he read one of my writings.

My biggest supporter left in January. The void in my life from his death felt like it would never be filled. 

A few weeks after his passing, I requested a refund for my registration at the Florida Christian Writers Conference. My loss was too fresh. I thought I could not concentrate and would only cry.

“Of course we’ll refund your money,” Eva told me. “But think about coming so we can love on you.”

Time helped. Alan’s desire for me to go changed my mind. I packed my bags and went.

What a blessing it was! Those who knew the situation, welcomed me with open arms. During morning devotions, singing, listening to speakers, watching the film “Unconditional”, or in conversation, tears flowed but didn’t linger. 

Each drop brought more kind words, prayers, and hugs. Many shared their own struggles and heart aches. 

The conference brought God’s people together to share His love through writing.Whether a best selling author, national speaker, screenwriter, photographer, or someone like me who was a first timer, all shared God’s love. 

They amazed me with their helpfulness and compassion. Prayers offered. Victories celebrated. Donations made. No one elevated themselves but encouraged others.

I came home ready to write more of Alan’s story to encourage others. Knowledge and suggestions jammed my head. Thankfulness filled my heart. I continue to look forward to God’s plan for me. 

Though my chief supporter left my side, his memory pushes me forward. Old and new encouragers support and comfort me. God provides just what I need.

Father, thank you for the people you have put in my life. Both those who have gone to You and those who are still with me. Amen