The smile of a spunky, blond five-year-old revealed a huge gap of missing teeth. After the introductions, she grabbed my hand and called me mommy. Our family went from three to four when she went home with us.
We tried to channel her energy into positive activities. At first, she was involved in gymnastics, dancing and soccer. But when I picked her up from gymnastics, she would often be sitting because she had not listened to the teacher. When she danced, she made up her own routines instead of following the choreography. In soccer games, she enjoyed looking around and sometimes ran for the wrong goal.
In high school she excelled at cross country as a freshman. Running suited her. She enjoyed being a goalie in water polo. Both sports enabled her to use her energy to shine.
Unfortunately, school was always difficult for her. Poor grades removed her from the sports that helped her excel.
From the time she joined our family, we always attended church. Her Sunday School teachers loved and taught her. She took a confirmation class and was baptized when she was in fifth grade.
My plan for a happy family fell apart months after Susie joined our family. Being a single parent was hard with two young children.
As a family of three, we continued attending our former church even though sometimes I was the only one who wanted to. Her rebellion grew but my rule was that if you lived in my house, you would go to church. She slouched in her seat with her head down. I prayed that something was getting into her head and heart.
Susie enjoyed being around children and was good with them. She was happy to have two daughters and loved them.
Over the years, she made many poor choices with hard consequences which affected her and her loved ones. Even when I had no idea where she was, I prayed for her. God knew where she was when I didn’t.
Occasionally, I received letters from her when she was in jail or prison. After she passed away, I found some of them. They reminded me that she knew Jesus and loved God even in her trials and unhealthy lifestyle.
During the last year or so, I sometimes heard from Susie when she spent time in the hospital. The visits weren’t easy. Her body deteriorated more and more every time I saw her.
I took her devotionals and a Bible. She thanked me and said she would read it.
Chris, Frank and Sallie joined me on one visit. Frank asked how we could pray for her. She asked for prayers for Brittany to stop drugs and for herself to not be addicted. Tears streamed down her face.
Tears trickled down my face but hope filled my heart. She had not given up on God even in her desperate state.
On another visit my cousin, Ruth, asked Susie if she knew Jesus. The answer came quickly. “Yes.” She knew she would be in heaven.
When I was out of town, my friend, Nancy, went to see Susie. She talked and prayed with her. Nancy asked Susie, “If you died tonight, do you know where you would go?” With no hesitation, Susie said she would be with Jesus.
Those conversations gave me hope and peace. Even though her life wasn’t what I had hoped for her, I had confidence she would be in heaven.
A few months ago, I got a call that Susie was in a health rehab facility under the care of hospice. The news didn’t surprise me because of her weakened condition but the finality of it was difficult.
However, I was thankful to know she was being cared for at the end of her life. Even though I talked to her on the phone a couple of times, she only spoke to me once when I visited. She asked, “Who are you?”
One day, my friend, Sallie and I walked into the room and found Susie flailing her arms in agitation. As we played Christian music, she calmed down and even hummed along. Sallie prayed and read Scripture with no further response but a peace filled the room that hadn’t been there earlier.
When Chris, Sallie and another friend, Susie, sat with me that final day, my daughter didn’t respond at all. Oxygen blew into her damaged lungs. As time went on, her breathing became for labored. She would take a breath and stop. We would think it was over and then she took another breath. Finally, I couldn’t watch her die any longer. The hospice nurse said she didn’t see any signs that the end was close.
Right after I pulled into my community, my phone rang. The hospice nurse told me that Susie passed away right after we left. When I walked into the house, I noticed a slip of paper on the counter. It was a prayer request I had written to give to my Bible study friends.
“Pray for my daughter, Susie, to be free of drugs and at peace.”
I had prayed that for years and also that someone would be able to get through to her, when I couldn’t.
God answered all of my prayers but not in the way I had imagined. Chris, Ruth, Nancy, Sallie and Frank touched her life while she was in the hospital. When she was incarcerated, she learned more about Jesus from chaplains, Bible studies and Northland church services.
Proverbs 22:6 came to mind as I thought of Susie’s life. Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Watching Susie’s life unfold, often caused pain and heartache but at the end of her life, I felt relief, peace and comfort because I was confident she was whole and living in heaven.
Often, we don’t realize God is working until we look back.
If you died tonight, do you know you would be with Jesus?
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