My life changed drastically seven years ago today. The man who loved me, protected me, made me laugh and took me all over the world left on his final journey without me.
During his last year, he constantly prepared me to be alone as we moved to a smaller home in a vibrant, caring community.
As soon as the doctor said Alan had six months left, I was in a daze. The nurse took him downstairs in a wheelchair while I got the car. My mind couldn’t grasp that the end was so close but he called hospice when we got home. They came out that day to register him.
He pulled out a yellow legal pad later that day and began making a list of all he wanted to do during his limited time. Almost everything was to make my life easier. He made numerous phone calls to financial institutions and insurance companies to see who I would talk to after he passed away.
He paid for his cremation. Bought me a new car and told them he didn’t want to play games because he was dying. Day after day he marked off items on his list. I told him to write more so he would be with me longer.
While he still had strength, he wanted to see family and friends. He told people about the Gospel because he wanted everyone to know Jesus like he did. He even told the man who delivered oxygen about God.
The way he faced death was such a blessing to me and those around us. He never wanted sympathy or to focus on his disease. He wanted people to make the most of every day and appreciate what they had. He had peace because he knew he would see Jesus.
The only regrets he had were that he knew it would be hard for me but he knew I would be ok. He also regretted not seeing our granddaughters graduate or get married.
A little over two months after visiting the doctor for the last time, he was having more trouble breathing, Hospice said to start a low dose of morphine which made him very sleepy. We laughed because he fell asleep at the dinner table while I was talking to him.
He went to bed early and when I told him his low oxygen level scared me, he looked at me and said his favorite verse. “Don’t be afraid or discouraged. The Lord your God is with you always. I love you.”
His eyes closed so I left the room. When I returned four hours later to give him his medication, he was on the floor. He had taken off his oxygen and fell on top of the tubes. Even though I sat a few feet away in the next room, I heard nothing.
His last words of Joshua 1:9 have comforted me constantly and others who have heard our story. His encouragement to me about writing a book finally propelled me to do that a few years later. I had not planned to write a book on grief but that is what I did so that others could be comforted like I had been comforted.
Although I still miss him deeply, especially during the pandemic, I am thankful he did not suffer long and is with Jesus.
“ This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NLT)
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